Lamest. Rock band. Ever.

As we approach St. Patrick's Day, my thoughts can't help but wander to all things Irish, including one of Ireland's most famous musical exports (second only to the Riverdancers).... U2. I have recently concluded something very significant about U2, though: they are the least cool rock band in the history of rock bands. There are so many contributing factors to their squareness; let me count them here:

1) Bono's characteristic pink sunglasses

2) their guitarist goes by The Edge (is he a cartoon superhero?)

3) Bono's self-consciousness about being short, and always insisting on being in the foreground of photos (urban legend? I think not, because he really is always in the foreground)

4) they play seemingly every global charity gig, and always speak so smugly about how charitable they are (yeah, it's great, but so is humility)

5) overall lame stage presence

6) terrible styling (where are the likes of Steven Tyler's scarves when you need them?)

7) they called their 1993 album Zooropa

8) Bono recently complained that “Music has become tap water, a utility, where for me it’s a sacred thing, so I’m a little offended by illegal downloading," but concluded that "artists like me are overpaid and over nourished." (Contradictor says what?)

Needless to say, I am not a fan. Well, I liked their early albums, but then they had to go and be all lame, and ruin the music for me. How is it that they've been so successful (winning 22 Grammy's-more than any other band), when they're clearly high school band geeks who got a lucky break oh so many years ago? Bono can never begin to compare to a Mick Jagger or a Patti Smith. I say, boycott the new album and the new-new album, about which I've just heard (supposedly coming out later this year)! The new ones just sound like more of the same anyways. Until Bono and company can learn how to be proper rock stars and inspire generations of future rockers with better posturing and style, I cannot get behind them.

Happy St. Patrick's Day anyhow. Here's to us all drinking so much green beer that we have no problem enduring the numerous U2 songs we're bound to be subjected to tonight!